Bonus: What Obviously Happened

Ohp. Something is off. But what is it? And why? 
Join Joy as she puts on her investigative journalism cap and writes a story.

Transcript

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Joy Bork 0:15

Hello, everyone. And welcome to parks and rewatch. I'm your host. Joy. You may notice that I'm so low today and that the intro song is different. Well, uh that's because Joe usually does all the editing and he has the intro song file. So I naturally had to make my own to fill the gap. So y'all know it's still our podcast. But wait a minute. Joe's not here. Okay. Here's the TLDR of the situation. Joe got sick this weekend and couldn't record. But. Don't worry because I have. The obviously real story of what actually happened to Joe. I transcribed this, as it was told to me, by an anonymous double agent whose name has been changed in this story for their safety, um, they're involved in the criminal proceedings that I'm about to unfold to you and good news. This information has been declassified specifically for the purposes of explaining Joe's sudden disappearance. Are you ready? I hope you're sitting down. It was a dark and stormy night. Outside lightning flashed, thunder rolled and somewhere in the world. A tree was struck by lightning. But no one was there to hear it. So did it make a sound. These are the deep things on Brandy's mind as he tracked the raccoon gang. The special forces team was out on a raid. Uh, chaos raid one that was so vile, so devious and so blatantly unnoticeable that it would never get traced back to the gang in Pawnee. Four months, the raccoon gangs, special ops leadership headed by none other than the infamous Ralphio Raiders had been making the alliances all across the Midwest. From town to town, forest to forest Dell, to Dell, the recast. Studders. Also known as raccoon ambassadors. Had been spreading Goodwill to their kid in the form of buckets of molasses harvested from the recent Sweetums factory explosion. Because we all know raccoons love molasses. Footnote. The statement has not been proven by anyone at all. As allies were gained, the grievances laid out in the anger of the locals. Grew each day was closer. To D-Day. But before I can tell you about D-Day. We must first dive into the players, their motivations, and then their actions. The players, the Ralphio Raiders. Established in 2012, they had managed to maintain anonymity under the cover of night in Pawnee, Indiana. Until 2020 when two podcast hosts outed them. That's right. Your very own Joe Patterson and joy board from the parks and rewatch podcast. What's the motivation. It all began in season two, episode 12 Christmas scandal. When Joe said. The raccoons hunted John Ralphie over sport. Then in season two, episode 14, Joe said, After the raccoons hunted him for sport. In an earlier episode, I believe that they then recognized a kindred spirit of chaos and destructiveness in John Ralphio. And they accepted him as one of their own. This was the last straw for the Ralphio Raiders. Season four episode 21 bus tour. When what the hosts thought were wild guesses turned out to be wildly true and joy out their secret weapon. The double agent known in this story as Brandy. Who just wants to alphabetize things and sort by color and size. That was it. There was no going back now, everything on the insides of the gang was now on the outsides available for all to see. Blinding these nocturnal creatures with the proverbial light of exposure. Or the completely open f-stop. Their actions completely separate from their leader, John Ralphio Safferstein who was really just the unofficially official spokesperson for the gang. The Raiders devised a plan. Somehow some way Joe and joy were getting classified information. There's absolutely no way that this could have been a guess or a quote improvised story based solely on voices inside of them that told them what the gang was up to. Yet, since all communication into and out from the gang was monitored highly by agent Brandy and the Raider leadership knew that Brandy was in capable of telling a lie. They knew it couldn't be an internal leak. The had to go directly to the source. So they started with recon. They knew how to do that because obviously they've watched the history channel when their Scouts arrived in Gering Nebraska and in the Chicago suburbs, they realized real quick that sends no one knew Joy's address. It would be much more efficient of them to go after Joe first, since gearing is a relatively out in the middle of nowhere location. They canvass, the local neighborhood and quickly zeroed in on the home of none other than Joe Patterson himself. The recon crew found a sufficient box to stake out Joe's house from stole some candy necklaces from a convenience store nearby and waited. They figured out Joe's typical pattern. Where his dogs like to do their business. And before they knew it, the plan unfolded right in front of them. They knew that on Wednesday, Joe had to mow his lawn from talking to some of the local Woodland mammals. The crew had figured out that Joe's allergies flare really bad at this time of the year. The easiest way to take down a podcast host was to go write for the voice box. Via the nasal cavities. Of course. So they enlisted the help of local foraging tribes, and they gathered large amounts of pollen, noxious weeds, and other allergens and prepared to strike. Nightfall on Tuesday. The raccoons, uh, woke in their stuffy box. Tonight was the night. They grabbed their supplies, eradicated their stakeout, hovel, removed any evidence of their presence and went back to attack Joe's lawn. They spread their noxious allergens all over the lawn, especially in the areas of high business traffic, to be sure that the dogs would carry the allergens inside. And then they bolted. By daybreak, they had successfully made it to Omaha by hitching a ride on the back of a cargo tree. No one. Whatever. No. Meanwhile, Joe went about his normal life. He mowed the lawn, made some music, played with the dogs and went to work. Not knowing what awaited him, once the allergens took hold. By that night he was stricken. Snot filled his nasal cavities, like as if a wriggling snake ball of terror by Thursday morning, he knew there was no way he could record this week's parks and rewatch episode. Little did the gang know. That we would produce an episode anyway. We know what they did. And we know where to find them. Well, I can not truly confirm. Nor deny the goings on of this story. I can say with confidence that Joe is feeling better. And we will both be back with you next week. Until then. Bye.